Thursday, April 19, 2012

So Now What?




April 19, 2012, 1:37 PM MST
Tempe, Arizona, United States of America

So Now What?

I volunteer at the Phoenix Zoo and this past Monday I was observing insects while I was reading my informational book. There was a large beautiful moth that landed near me as I was reading. There was cotton all around me like snow. We call it snow in the desert when the cotton wood trees blossom. As I continued to read for a little bit my book slipped. The moth scurried up in the air and a big black bird grabbed it. Then another bird flew near by and they both engaged in fighting for the moth.


I thought about how nothing happens by chance; but we all have our own free will to make choices that alters our journey. A lot of great joys, heartaches, choices, things happened to me out of my control, a book slipping so to write. These twists and turns of life have put me where I am at in my life right now writing at my dinning room table. I am the woman at the zoo that is looking at the past with shocked eyes saying so now what the bug has been eaten, the fight happened, others have been fed so now what season must I go to? I suffered Postpartum Depression and Anxiety intensely over two years ago, I lost a co-worker to cancer two jobs ago who prayed I would get pregnant and I never told him I got pregnant before he died. Here was his blog: http://russbishop.blogspot.com/ .My Mom's friend a dear friend of the family was dieing in the same hospital I was giving birth at. I did not say good by, her blue hand made blanket for my son sits in my house; and I regret not visiting her in the town she resided in close to me when she was still alive. My husband and I had problems getting pregnant for three years. We now have a gorgeous two year old son.

I went at physical fitness with force had knee surgery, broke a toe and will continue to exercise as part of my life. I have been fired from a job and had problems getting back into the work force. I have helped people get jobs, encouraged people who have moved on and carried on and I am grateful for friends and family. In that I am still left feeling like the cotton in the wind so now what? Where will the Roar, Whisper of the wind go? I have been picked and plucked out of the cotton wood tree. So now what? I went through a heart wrenching, soul tattering 15 week bible study that had me metaphorically sweating more than any triathlon would have given me. I got in the boxing ring with my demons, many of them. I just got through with the study Mending the Soul by Steven R. Tracy. It was the most necessary boot camp in my life and I highly recommend it. However, I am left tattered and open and vulnerable asking so now what? I feel like possibly a soldier may experience after coming home from combat. So now what?

I feel like how they portray the prisoner in Shawshank Redemption who spent most of his life in prison and did not know how to assimilate to being outside of prison walls. He seemed to ask So now what? In the scene he unfortunately made a drastic decision to end it. That is not where I am at and pray if you are reading this and you are reach out and get help; but I still ask so now what God? , Life. I have gotten excited and announced jobs, situations prayers etc to have had the rug pulled out under me. I am trying to learn more wisdom, more quiet thought and the whisper character of being a little more reserved. I am not ashamed of me and my bubbly self but I want to always work on what kind of vessel I am being. I am at a crossroads, to work to not work and how?. I stare at my sons beautiful face and say, so now what, how can I? Should I?. I have grown more attached to him in this season of not working. It is only a question I can answer. I connected on social network last year to air hurts, anger and did not expect it, but have connected with a wonderful ministry and have found some dear friends. They are all a delight along w my other close friends. Everybody has their families and goals and I have to create my own goals. The point is I know God is there no matter what in the so now what? I will try and tread softly investigate, move, live and experience the voyage and try to be full of God's truth and it is perfectly human to say so now what Lord?

In your voyage during crossroads may you find discernment if you ask so now what? Know there will be an answer and keep on keeping on! Don't give up the fight. I am not. Don't live in regret or completely in the hurt turn it into God's workmanship and carry on. There are new season's ahead.

The Lord Says, “I will make you wise and show you where to go.” Psalm 32:8

Sincerely,
Adriana Villafane-Johnson
Tempe, Arizona United States of America

10 comments:

  1. After reading your amazing post, I'm sitting here trying to fight back the tears that are slowly trickling down my cheek. You have an amazing story. An amazing testimony. You've been through so much pain, but yet here you are a shining light. I totally see God working you in the lives you touch. You've come through so much. I'm so honored and blessed to have you in my life and as a dear and close friend. I will pray that God will show you which way to go on your next journey of your life. I'm excited for you. :)

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    1. Lucy,

      Thank you for your comments on my blog and being a a solid precious metal to this world, sharing your skills, your life yourself and your friendship. You are a true friend.

      Adriana

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  2. I am speechless...I held my face as I read your post. I want to reach out and hug you...for your words show the read I read you are Beautiful! Inside and out. Period. Our journeys, our highs and lows...make us who we are...I am currently dealing with the loss of my job. Losing my house. Financial debt. Separating from my husband after 18+ years. Children for whatever reason seem to make bad choices despite my teachings. Among other personal issues...sob story? No. I fight the good fight. I find the silver lining in a world where we have little control...and staying strong in Faith. Let go and let God.

    Just like in Shawshank...get busy living, or get busy dieing...I look forward to reading more...

    Hugs,

    Lola
    http://beeyoutifulyou.blogspot.com/

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    1. Lola,

      I sometimes make people speechless with sarcasm, in an appropriate slip of a comment, commedy or finding a truth or possibly a different angle of looking at things. I am constantly checking myself. I call it my "oh no" syndrome. In that there is also other colors of my soul, my character my being, my journey, my heart, my passion. I guess we all have different hats we are, and that is ok:). Thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog with such warm writing and for signing up. It is deeply appreciated. I look foward to viewing your blog. I have heard divorce is like going through a death in the family and my empathy is being sent through to you and in parallel with the subject on finances. Children turn your world upside down. I have never loved, hurt or have been frustated so much in my life. In all of it I am so very grateful for my son, Kade, he is a jewel. All we can do is BE the best we can BE for they are their own separate BEings and never stop loving them. I have to remember to take my own advise;). You will be in my thoughts and prayers, for real:). I enjoyed your tag from Shawshank redemption. I like movie quotes.

      PS I felt the hug:)

      Sincerely,
      Adriana Villafane-Johnson

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  3. This is both touching and heartwrenching, nonetheless it is beautiful. I adore your faith and I know God is with you all the way. Have a blessed weekend.

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    1. Thank you Jamie,

      My faith is a great mansion of precious jewels to me. I hope your weekend is going well. I am honored to be called beautiful in writing I have been told the exact opposite in my life from teachers to managers. It is all so new, intimidating but exciting at the same time. I like to share myself, my stories in the different turns of it, ups, downs and middle grounds. I hope you are having a good weekend too. I am cleaning up the house and getting ready for a short visit from family and to celebrate a friends birthday. Blessings.

      Sincerely,
      Adriana Villafane-Johnson

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  4. What a beautifully written piece.From the get go so arresting and real.The complete absence of affectation,self pity or any desire to impress make this a very poignant and memorable.Adriana strikes universal chords, highlighting universal themes such as confusion,loss,pain,regret,faith,wonder and compassion.The obvious kinship with animals and the lyrical descriptions including the description of the fallen cotton, the dualing birds and moth all adds to serve up a beautifully blended vignette.I also admired the structure,the relaxed open honest style and structure.Thankyou for posting Adriana

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    1. Sacrologos7,

      Thank you for your in depth comments it has me on a word contest look up; and I highly enjoy that. I like words. I am glad I came across with out the air of a self pity party. It was not my intent and just realized that now. I esteem that telescope view comment my desire was to share, to write, express. It just plain feels good to write, bahahaha. :) Sacrologos7 poetism gratitudes - Thank you very much.

      PS I just looked the words up I favored in your comments. BING I figurativly hit a game post button lol:)

      Sincerely,
      Adriana Villafane-Johnson

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  5. This is an amazing story Adriana. Thanks so much for sharing. I always tell my Soldiers that character is defined during the hard and not the good times. You are doing an amazing job pushing forward.

    Do you feel that writing about....putting it down in writing helps cleanse your soul? I only ask because that is what it does for me.

    Best, Kevin

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    1. Kevin,

      That makes me feel good when you say that is what you tell your Soldiers. I highly understand that from my own circle of life and friends. Our personas are definitly refined in the fire like metal being turned into fine jewelry. I appreicate the encouragement very much especially coming from a person/writing blog I admire. I am putting my hand to my forehead with a salute and saying to myself, "will do Mr. Kevin Soldier I will push foward." :).

      I DEFINITLY feel that writing cleanses my soul. It is great to read it does yours too. Soldiers can be writers and women can be fighters:) I get filled up with wanting to express or say something when I write/type it out. I feel I have learned something, or brought out matter. To me it is like in science when the machine pulls out the substance to be abstracted. We, I, people, writers get abstracted:). We have our soul cleansed.

      Thank you for the comments and encouragement. I like the way you write and look foward to your blogs Kevin and well wishes to your book.

      Sincerely,
      Adriana Villafane-Johnson

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