April 19, 2012, 1:37 PM MST
Tempe, Arizona, United States of America
So Now What?
I volunteer at the Phoenix Zoo and this past Monday I was observing insects while I was reading my informational book. There was a large beautiful moth that landed near me as I was reading. There was cotton all around me like snow. We call it snow in the desert when the cotton wood trees blossom. As I continued to read for a little bit my book slipped. The moth scurried up in the air and a big black bird grabbed it. Then another bird flew near by and they both engaged in fighting for the moth.
I thought about how nothing happens by chance; but we all have our own free will to make choices that alters our journey. A lot of great joys, heartaches, choices, things happened to me out of my control, a book slipping so to write. These twists and turns of life have put me where I am at in my life right now writing at my dinning room table. I am the woman at the zoo that is looking at the past with shocked eyes saying so now what the bug has been eaten, the fight happened, others have been fed so now what season must I go to? I suffered Postpartum Depression and Anxiety intensely over two years ago, I lost a co-worker to cancer two jobs ago who prayed I would get pregnant and I never told him I got pregnant before he died. Here was his blog: http://russbishop.blogspot.com/ .My Mom's friend a dear friend of the family was dieing in the same hospital I was giving birth at. I did not say good by, her blue hand made blanket for my son sits in my house; and I regret not visiting her in the town she resided in close to me when she was still alive. My husband and I had problems getting pregnant for three years. We now have a gorgeous two year old son.
I went at physical fitness with force had knee surgery, broke a toe and will continue to exercise as part of my life. I have been fired from a job and had problems getting back into the work force. I have helped people get jobs, encouraged people who have moved on and carried on and I am grateful for friends and family. In that I am still left feeling like the cotton in the wind so now what? Where will the Roar, Whisper of the wind go? I have been picked and plucked out of the cotton wood tree. So now what? I went through a heart wrenching, soul tattering 15 week bible study that had me metaphorically sweating more than any triathlon would have given me. I got in the boxing ring with my demons, many of them. I just got through with the study Mending the Soul by Steven R. Tracy. It was the most necessary boot camp in my life and I highly recommend it. However, I am left tattered and open and vulnerable asking so now what? I feel like possibly a soldier may experience after coming home from combat. So now what?
I feel like how they portray the prisoner in Shawshank Redemption who spent most of his life in prison and did not know how to assimilate to being outside of prison walls. He seemed to ask So now what? In the scene he unfortunately made a drastic decision to end it. That is not where I am at and pray if you are reading this and you are reach out and get help; but I still ask so now what God? , Life. I have gotten excited and announced jobs, situations prayers etc to have had the rug pulled out under me. I am trying to learn more wisdom, more quiet thought and the whisper character of being a little more reserved. I am not ashamed of me and my bubbly self but I want to always work on what kind of vessel I am being. I am at a crossroads, to work to not work and how?. I stare at my sons beautiful face and say, so now what, how can I? Should I?. I have grown more attached to him in this season of not working. It is only a question I can answer. I connected on social network last year to air hurts, anger and did not expect it, but have connected with a wonderful ministry and have found some dear friends. They are all a delight along w my other close friends. Everybody has their families and goals and I have to create my own goals. The point is I know God is there no matter what in the so now what? I will try and tread softly investigate, move, live and experience the voyage and try to be full of God's truth and it is perfectly human to say so now what Lord?
In your voyage during crossroads may you find discernment if you ask so now what? Know there will be an answer and keep on keeping on! Don't give up the fight. I am not. Don't live in regret or completely in the hurt turn it into God's workmanship and carry on. There are new season's ahead.
The Lord Says, “I will make you wise and show you where to go.” Psalm 32:8
Tempe, Arizona United States of America